Your stronger than you think. An eulogy for Grandma June and praise for my daughter and the other great grand children.

First of all, I owe my readers and apology. I tried to commit to a daily blog then a bi-weekly blog then it’s been way to long since I posted anything. I caved into fear and negativity and if you want to reach your goals, sooner or later you have to come out of hiding, draw you sword and slay the dragons that keep you from achieving your goals. Hopefully when you finish reading this post, you will get the point. 

I have had a heavy heart for the last two years. I moved back to Western New York three years ago this June. One of the many reason was to be with my grandparents during their twilight years. Last year, I lost my Grandfather and this past week I lost my Grandma. I believe at funerals, tears should be shed but a funeral should be celebrations of life and not moments of pain and depression. I was more depressed when she was alive and due to her constant chemotherapy treatments that kept my daughter and I away for health reasons, and a very demanding job that sometimes required over 70 hours a week. I never achieved my goal of spending more quality time with my grandparents. From my point of view I failed. 

I have to explain something. I had a conversation with a woman who I used to teach karate college and she taught me when people die they do not mind. Death is the release of pain, fear and the bonds of the human form. Death, for the person who died it is the finish line to the human race. The people who are left behind still running cry, scream, mourn but their feelings are not about the loss of the person who died. They are dealing with how they are going to cope with their loss. Some could define it as being selfish. My point of view of failure is me being selfish. 

At the viewing, the great grandchildren were the strongest. Not too many tears, most of them were happy and the spent time playing up and down the halls. They saw the casket but were more interested in the pictures of my grandmother from when she was younger.  They were more interested in how each other from their generation were doing. They were just happy the family was together. I can not speak for them personally just what I observed. They all had relationships with her not as forged over time as mine and my generation's was but as you will read in the eulogy my grandmother embraces with open arms. 

As the oldest of the four grand children, I felt my responsibility was to give an eulogy. One of my closest friends just gave one for his grandmother and I just felt it was the right thing to do. I have given best man speeches before but never an eulogy. But one and the same I feel the best speeches and lessons are not lectures but stories, so the listener gets to know the person the moment the feeling. Moments that are important to the audience create and re-enforce bonds that strengthen not only the moment of the speech but help people remember it. 

I would like to share my words. So you get to know my Grandma June. I also ask you to comment on your stories about your challenges with dealing with death. I am now much more alone in this world. No grandparents on either side, or my father gone. If there is something I took from my grandmothers passing is time is short and do not waste it. 

If you knew my Grandma June, You knew a woman who loved her family, friends, her church and her lord and savior Jesus Christ. You knew a woman with a passion for quilting, sewing, baking, and knitting. She loved a good roast beef on weck, rare of course, Buffalo sports, shows at Shea’s, Christmas and Santa Clause.

As a child she would introduce me as her number one grandson, in a similar way Charlie Chan would speak of his son in the old black and white movies. Those moments when she spoke of me were the proudest. It gave me something to live up to. She would praise all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren in public even if we were not at our best.

We all had moments where we saw her love, generosity and fairness.

Tami and I would remember our “Miss Manners” training at every meal.

Grandma would make sure there was bread for the flock of ducks that would land on her front lawn for us to feed.We would be provided with the crafts of quilts, hand knitted sweaters, and handmade clothes for the girl’s dolls.

When school was coming it was not uncommon for her to take Tami, Jason and Jaime clothes and shoe shopping.

When it was necessary, they would help by assisting their son’s in laws. When the Handley’s move across country to Denver and again when they returned to Lockport, June and Don were there.  She would welcome my father Wayne, their son-in-law, to live with them for six months when he was consulting for a local firm and was unsure if he would be permanently relocating.

As my generation of grandchildren grew and we forged our own families, the gift of 9, soon to be 10, great granddaughters warmed her soul. It did not matter if the great grandkids came from birthright or forged by the merger of a second marriage. June claimed them and loved them all. So how do you know if you knew our Grandma June?

If you knew you had to tear not slice a dinner roll and butter each piece, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew how to make a potholder by the time you were eight, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew how to get 6 cinnamon waffles on an iron cookie press, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew you could leave your car and spend the night before any flight, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew that even when she was confined to a chair she would still try to control everything about a family dinner, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew your best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend was welcome at anytime at any family function, you knew Grandma June.

If you were told the event starts at 6:00 and you arrived at 5:55 and you were told “you are late!” you knew Grandma June

If you did shots of Aftershock mint on Christmas Eve, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew how to compare and contrast four different supermarket adds, create four grocery lists and have matching coupons to get the best deal and have the endurance to go to all 4 stores, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew the flavors of homemade sweet and sour pickles, fresh garden vegetables, and fresh made buttermilk ranch dressing, you knew Grandma June.

If you went grocery shopping in the basement, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew to donate blood, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew the chore she needed done around the house was not the real reason she called, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew you were expected to say “Oh My Goodness”, you knew Grandma June.

If you ever had been kicked in the shins at McPartlands because you were warned you ate to fast and you still did, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew what an open door, open home and an open heart was, you knew Grandma June.

If you ever knew the love and comfort of a quilt, you knew Grandma June.

When we lost her on Thursday, she was surrounded by her family. As we circled her, all I could think was this family was the greatest quilt she ever made. No matter the distance apart, the trials of growing up. I never loved my family more than in the moment we all came together for her.

If quilting is the craft of making something from scraps into something beautiful, she did her best to create something beautiful when crafting her family. April 18, 2014Sean B. GilgoreNumber One Grandson. 

Focus on your strengths and make them stronger every day.

TA4MC Focus on your strengths and 

make them stronger every day. 

The theme of the day was parental influence

I am listening to the audio book by Zappo’s CEO Tony Hsieh called Delivering Happiness. I am only about thirty minutes in and he has discussed his childhood where in the Asian Culture the stress is on academia, musical performance and community service.  His parents wanted what they thought was best for him: Acceptance into Harvard, a medical degree and to be able to play multiple instruments.

I found these parents forcing dreams or expectations the theme of the day. Before going to work I was exposed to the ABC Family movie Ice Princess. It is a story of two girls who were forced to live the dreams of their respective mothers. The smart girl who was directed to be a Harvard Grad, wanted to be a figure skater and the other girl who was the daughter of an Olympic hopeful and forced to be a figure skater, just wanted to be normal and go to college. So drama ensues and the girls switch

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Today at work, I saw a girl in tears because she wanted a certain pair of glasses that her parents and grandparents kept telling her were “too old for her”. She was overwhelmed and broke down into tears because the frame they wanted her to have was too small and did not look attractive on her. The grandfather ended up buying both to settle the squabble between the mother and daughter.  As a salesperson it was good for my commission but as a parent, it left a sour taste in my mouth. Why would we force things on our children that they do not like or they do not have a passion for?

Growing up my parents wanted me to go to college. Round peg, square hole but I still went. I tried becoming what I thought was my dream of being a musician and went to a tech school for musicians where I have a certificate of performance from now a defunct school. I have an Associate’s degree, in Communications and Media Design. A Bachelor’s degree in Business Management,  and 32 credits that along with 8 weeks of student teaching gave me a State of Nevada teaching license. It also created an amount of student loan debt than I care to talk about. But none of my education has leaded me to achieve true heartfelt goals and that is very frustrating.

Wisdom comes with age and the more I look back I really get concerned as a parent how do I avoid making those mistakes. How as a parent can I discover my child’s strengths so that I can help them blossom and how can I minimize her weakness so they are not a hindrance in her development.  Is forcing a child to practice, study and master topics or skills they have no passion for really what is best for them?

Tonight I got a quote on my g+ account by Deepak Chopra “If a child is poor in math but good at tennis, most people would hire a math tutor. I would rather hire a tennis coach”. I hope I have the ability to see my child’s strengths and do everything to forge them like a master blacksmith than to dull her blade with skills she has no passion, talent or need for. 

TA4MC The hardest part of any creative project is beginning and ending everything in the middle is usually fun.

I love my Mint Chocolate chip ice cream with peanut butter and hot fudge topping. 

Be Creative and Consistent 

For all my life I have been a creative. As a child I made inventions. My first one was an automatic ice cream system. It had cones on a conveyor belt and tubes of ice cream that dispensed scoops to order. As the customer ordered, the cone dropped into a hole on a conveyor belt and then the selected scoops of ice-cream would fall into the cone. The desert would then arrive for the consumer at the end of the belt. I was always a mint chocolate chip guy myself but I knew that I had to have chocolate, vanilla and strawberry if I was going to sell it. I can say I got the bug for inventing because my father was an inventor and when I did something he liked, he let me know but more importantly he let other adults know. It was that praise that made me want to create more

As I got older, I found two passions, martial arts and music. With martial arts, the alphabet is conditioning. The infinite number of punches, hand strikes, kicks, throws, locks, chokes, movements, and blocks is the alphabet, grammar and sentences structure of martial arts.  The art comes in how you combine these elements into techniques that allow you to defend yourself or defeat and assailant. Training the body also trains the mind. To me this was the greatest benefit as the ability to focus and meditate while in motion and removed weakness from my body and built my confidence.

Where martial arts gave me an outlet for anger and creativity, music and writing lyrics gave me a way to express my soul and in some cases my deepest thoughts that I could not express. Maybe I was too shy or didn't trust sharing the emotions in a direct sentence. Putting words and ideas down on paper that expressed what I was thinking about let me express myself without worrying about what my concern is now, writing both with emotion and following the standards of grammar that make me come across educated

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I have other inspirations. In the past I have written books, created board and card games and role-playing games. Each has an element of creativity. As a teacher of Marital Arts the creativity of a class was to keep the classes interesting while hitting core elements of technique. When I taught how to play guitar, I had to be creative with how I presented the information and techniques so students felt progress. As a fourth grade teacher, I had to keep the kids interested in what was in some cases very dry material.

Now as I have committed to both a bi-weekly blog and hopefully a podcast in the near future I am transitioning from the person who does this just for fun to the professional who wants to be taken somewhat seriously.  The work has to be done. Even if it feels like walking through three feet of snow, if you commit to finishing, your word is the only thing holding you accountable. The world can read my blog. If I say, “I am going to write twice a week.” Do it. It may not be your best work every time but it is consistent and honest it will show. This commitment is how in the long run you will earn the respect of our followers.

Bad days help you see how good some days are.

Today was a bad day at work. I work for a national optical chain that has over 900 stores in the US and Canada that has a social media clause so I can not mention them by name and I choose to keep that part of my life out of my blog. But to set the stage for this post I wanted you to know it was a bad day at work.  We had problems with customer's insurance, attempted shoplifting, parents who could not control their children who damaged products and displays in the store. Problems with the computers, customers walking out with out paying for services and I ended up leaving late due to these issues and others.

Due to this the problems snowballed. I didn't get to say goodnight to you because I was home late again. Due to the lack of sales I lost commissions and didn't make as much money as I normally would. I left with a bad taste in my mouth questioning am I doing the right thing. I have a job that pays the bills but not much else. Every sale counts, ever customer counts and when I do not perform well at work it reflects in everything from what food we can and can not purchase every two weeks to if we can do something extra for fun.

When you have a bad day you have to take a breath and reflect on a few things One is what is more important the good or the bad. We can have 100 good days but that one bad day  we can not allow us to erase how good those days are. When I get to take the time to write this blog it's good. I have to say it isn't easy coming up with advice every day and it surely has not been easy to write a 500 to 1000 word blog post at least two to three times a week but when I reflect that someday you can share this with your children as I hope you do, you can know that even when you were young I was thinking about what your life will be like when you are older.

I have always been one to hold on to grudges and negative to much and too long. I remember every person who wronged me much more intensely than everyone who did something for me which is sad. Some of them I do not remember their names but I remember how they treated me and how they tried to get away with something when they did not deserve it.

I guess my point is share the good things. Today I helped my boss get out and not stay and extra hour so he could be with his loved ones.I helped a two year old girl who was tired and hungry with a glass of water and some crackers from my snack bag. I entertained customers and made them laugh. I helped people pick out glasses that they will wear for years to come. I began my on-line learning course. I worked out part of my next game I want to invent. I ate good leftover pizza for dinner. Sometimes the good things are simple and we take them for granted when we should never take them for granted.

So TA4MC Take the good with the bad. Remember the good  and let go of the bad. You only attract what you focus on. 

Love conquers fear. Lessons From Frozen

Queen Elsa

A list of Lessons from the movie Frozen. 

When the sky is awake it's time to play

Beware a frozen heart

Fear is the enemy

Know where the healers are

Magical skills gain power.

Hearts are not so easily changed

Heads can be persuaded

keeping things hidden from those who love you is never a good solution to a problem.

Know the difference between elated and gassy.

True love within family is stronger than a strangers kiss.

If you have a ballroom have balls.

Never trust a business partner who dances like a chicken and has the face of a monkey.

Never trust a prince who is 12th in line for the throne in his own country. 

Sisters will hurt you even when they do not intend to.

Don't call a man 3 times your size a crook in his place

Having a voice for your pet will keep you from going insane but people will think your crazy.

Talking to someone will not always resolve the problem. They may not be able to.

Know how to make a snow anchor.

A 200 foot drop onto 20 ft of snow may or may not hurt.

Never call an  snowman  golem  in charge of protecting the queen a marshmallow.

Let it go.

Test the limits and break through.

Yellow and snow don't mix.

Nothing makes a magical snowman happier than its own personal flurries in Summer.

Sharing a carrot with your best friend even if it is a reindeer is ok,

Bring back summer.

Bark face up. No down. No up.

Don't trust anyone from a place called Weaseltown.

Have rope, and axe and carrots if you want a trip up the north mountain at dusk. 

If you try to slay my sister in order to take over my kingdom, expect a punch in the face.

If someone loses their sled while saving your life you owe them a new sled. 

TA4MC Love conquers fear. 

If you don't say it people forget it.

Higher? 

A lot of times people myself included compare things to a savings account at a bank. What you put into it is what you get out of it. The quality of the effort you put forth in you education, work, and relationship should reflect how people treat you, talk about you and should also grow some interest.  As in the longer the investment stays the return on that investment should also grow. If it is not then you have to make a hard decision to withdraw and start over with something  new. Or renegotiate the terms of the relationship.

Some simple things to look at are for example if your in a romantic relationship, and your doing all the giving and work.  Your the one that says "I love you" all the time, Your are the one who remembers milestones and little things of why you are in the relationship and your partner is not. You may need to have that conversation about the relationship or just withdraw or breakup.

If your doing all the work at your job and your manager gives you praise and credit for your efforts as well as rewards you for good work. That may be a place of work  to form a life long career or a leader to follow. If he takes credit for your efforts and never shows you any praise, then it's time to have a conversation or withdraw and search for a new job or better yet start your own business.

If you are in a class, workshop or seminar, especially one you par for and you are not learning. Ask to switch teachers I had to do that in 5th grade and in college. If  necessary ask for a refund. If you getting great information and learning, form a relationship with that instructor so you can always learn from them. Also remember to be the positive force in a relationship by saying kind words. keeping people engaged and be aware of how your actions influence those around you. This however is not a reason for staying in a negative relationship. 

TA4MC If your not getting what you want or need out of any relationship it's never healthy to stay  in it. 

Dealign with anger. Keeping cool when it gets under your skin .

For those that know me personally, Depending on the day I have a long fuse but When I blow up. I usually regret it. I have had  those moments where it was better to punch a wall or other non living thing before I went to jail for cracking someone's skull or putting them in a rear naked choke until their face turned purple.

I was not always like this as a young child, I ended up in the principal's office many times. My buttons were easy to push. I was fat, and tall an easy target, If I fought back I got in trouble because I was bigger and if I hit you, you went down.  Comments about my parents were always under attack for no good reason. I didn't take to name calling very well and would chase and due to being slow would unable to catch the kids making fun of me so I would have to blind side them at lunch or trip them in line. Then little brothers get big brothers and fights or all out attacks would then take place. 

I got angry and frustrated a lot sometimes that anger was passed along to angst with parents or family members. People hurt me so I wanted something to hurt and that's just wrong. So reflecting here's are a few ways to deal with anger.

Martial arts. Thank you  Bruce lee and Sensei Bobby Lamattina.  Find an exercise that you love. I wanted to hit and Punching and kicking bags was and still is my favorite release. It also was a form of meditation.

Reading. Getting into a good book can calm and settle a racing mind. I find this is also good late at night when you can not sleep.

Laughing. Watch a favorite funny movie, read a book of jokes.

Talk to a friend outside of the problem. Great friends will always be there to listen and may give you and outside point of view.

Write. Get every thought of your mind and on paper. Do not worry about spelling or grammar. 

Walk. Take a good walk away from the problem. If they give chase. Then go back to the martial arts.

TA4MC. Anger and holding feelings in  is never the solution to the problem active action to a solution or resolution is.

Stay cool. Sean.