The last year Separated, Battled and Getting Back Up.

So I  apologize! I wanted to do so much more with this Blog and  I set some goals last year and they were pretty much writing  more on this blog about my daily lessons learned and some humor in the stories on being a dad, but something happens and I became depressed and side tracked.

My wife left me and we are now separated and getting divorced. I am not going into details why but from November 1st 2014 to now, I have gone though a custody battle and I am still in the middle of a divorce that is almost done.

I had fallen hard. All the things you think about. How will I  raise my child when I have custody? What will the courts do? When will I see her?  What is being said? Etc etc etc.

I was very lucky. I have many close friends who went through this as well as a good lawyer. It's never perfect but I can say my time with my daughter is more valuable than ever before and it's better and more focused than ever before. 

She is five now and we have a good relationship. We have our moments as all parents and kids do. We butt heads but I always make sure every lesson or correction ends with I love you.

I still believe  their is a place for this blog and one day I'll keep a better pace. It's like falling off any discipline. You know how to ride a bike or throw a side kick  but when  you just have to get up, knock  the dust off and  get back to work.

My daughter is teaching me this now. Over the last three weeks she has started a beginning ice skating course. She fell down a lot the first lesson. About eight times. On her second lesson she only fell down three. On her third lesson she only fell down twice and her teacher says next time she doesn't get the use the walker.
As a dad, seeing her smile  and succeeding is just and awesome and the lesson learned  is no matter how long it takes, Get Back Up!

#TA4MC Teach your dad more.

3 years where to go from here?

For 3 years, I have taken a moment out of my day to think about how important it is for my daughter to know how much I love her, and want her to know how I feel about issues and situations she will deal with in the future. I hope when she is old enough to read all of these posts, she understands they were done with love and some sense of thought and reflection. I pray when the day comes that  I am not here for her, she can go back to these tidbits of advice and opinion and they help her make a good decision. Or deal with life's twists and turns.

The blog has been difficult to keep up with and as most people can tell, my grammar is not always the best. As a matter of fact I stopped blogging for a while due to the criticism I was receiving. That was a mistake and not the best overall example I should be showing as a father. Fear and criticism are not a reason to stop. They are the reason to work harder. In the same breath. I have to look at the critic and make the wise decision on how much weight I give the individual.

Leadership and parenting goes hand and hand and if you can not lead by example then you need to rethink what you are doing. Reflecting on the last three years and looking at all the Facebook Posts and Instragram pictures, I ask myself is their anything else I have to say. The answer is yes. I have so much more to say and it starts with letting my child know that I love her more than anything.

I hope in the future  both my daughter and the individuals and former students who have followed me the last 3 years have enjoyed these moments of advice, opinion and food for thought. They all come from experience and reflection on the events that happen on a daily basis.

For those who have been with me for 3 years a heart felt  thank you. For those who have constructively criticized me thank you as well. You can not get better if everyone tells you how great you are. Nor can you become better if no one says anything at all.

To my daughter, I love you every day, more and more.To the moon and back a million times and every day that ends in Y. Life is like a puzzle it takes hard work and time to solve it. 

Unexpected Generosity. It Can Be A Form Of Magic.

Do bad habits define a person?

I have to confess.  I am and always be prejudice of smokers. My father before I was born smoked unfiltered Lucky Strikes.  He was a pool hustler as a young teen and like many other men of his generation they didn't know. I lost him at when I was 17 and that resulted into a standard that anyone I dated didn't smoke. I could have dated some beautiful women but because they liked to smoke I didn't pursue what many friends told me were open door opportunities.

 

About a month ago I got a bag at work from a company called Lulu Lemon. The bag was covered in Inspirational quotes. One of them said that in 20 years we will look at Coke and Pepsi as we do cigarette companies today.  As the obesity and diabetic numbers increase we see the amount  of chemicals we digest has a grave effect on our bodies.  I wonder as I age and deal with the effects of type 2 diabetes will my daughter look at people who drink sugary drinks the way I looked at girls who smoked.

Well to my point of my story and lesson. Last week my daughter celebrated her 4th Birthday. We had a family dinner at T.G.I.Fridays and as we walked out 3 women were smoking.  My natural instinct was to get my daughter away from the smoke.  The women looked at my daughter and smiled. They asked her how old she was, and then out of the blue they put out their cigarettes and each of them took out $5.00 cash and games it to my daughter.

I teared up, felt guilty and was choking up. These women who I judged by their choice of being smokers showed me they were generous, kind and giving.  I took the time to shake their hands and say thank you. My daughter was too shy to do anything then but give a small smile. 

TA4MC Do not judge someone by their personal habits. Judge them by how they treat others. Do you best to support them when they realize a change in their habits is needed.

Parental Do #1 Focusing on Life. Even in the eyes of Death.

It's OK to Celebrate A Life 

This company's video that may surprise you will show you they know how to celebrate life! Watch this story about

 Conan The Crusher.

My day began with my daughter waking me up early. She is very much like me in the sense that when the sun hits her eyes no matter how little sleep she got, she wakes up. She usually demands that I come into her room, make her dolls talk and then begins the process of following me around until I put her Disney Channel cartoons on. This morning was something different. She grabbed one of the many baby dolls she had and said, " I'm going to bring this to Grammy and I hope it makes her feel better" Grammy is her term of endearment for her great grandmother, my grandmother who passed away a few weeks ago. 

My daughter attended the funeral but in the mind of a three year old she still had something I wished I had which was hope. 

She is being raised Christian by her mother and I am being supportive even though I have no religious affiliation. My ties with religion are complicated but I believe in respect for all religions as so I tried to explained that Grammy was with god and free to do whatever she wanted.

I told her a story about how her Grammy before she made quilts made cakes and decorated them and one year she made me a Batman cake for Christmas and put a Santa hat on Batman's Cowl. The cake was served to all of us kids on Christmas Eve. Cake is always a good topic for most kids. 

So in reflection my advice is to:

1. Be honest. Grammy was dead and nothing was going to change that.
2. Reinforce her faith. Do this in whatever way you worship or do not. 
3. Reflect on good times and stories and share something she may not know about her great grandmother.
4. Keep the door open for more questions and conversation. Mourning and Grieving has to take place, tears may have to be shed years from the death taking place.

A Discussion for readers :

Dealing with your kids and death changes as you get older and the stronger the bond the deeper the loss. o you think this strategy would work with kids of an older age? Is there something you would or would not talk about? Please comment below and share your thoughts on how I handled the conversation.

Looking forward to your comments below.

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Thanks

Sean

Your stronger than you think. An eulogy for Grandma June and praise for my daughter and the other great grand children.

First of all, I owe my readers and apology. I tried to commit to a daily blog then a bi-weekly blog then it’s been way to long since I posted anything. I caved into fear and negativity and if you want to reach your goals, sooner or later you have to come out of hiding, draw you sword and slay the dragons that keep you from achieving your goals. Hopefully when you finish reading this post, you will get the point. 

I have had a heavy heart for the last two years. I moved back to Western New York three years ago this June. One of the many reason was to be with my grandparents during their twilight years. Last year, I lost my Grandfather and this past week I lost my Grandma. I believe at funerals, tears should be shed but a funeral should be celebrations of life and not moments of pain and depression. I was more depressed when she was alive and due to her constant chemotherapy treatments that kept my daughter and I away for health reasons, and a very demanding job that sometimes required over 70 hours a week. I never achieved my goal of spending more quality time with my grandparents. From my point of view I failed. 

I have to explain something. I had a conversation with a woman who I used to teach karate college and she taught me when people die they do not mind. Death is the release of pain, fear and the bonds of the human form. Death, for the person who died it is the finish line to the human race. The people who are left behind still running cry, scream, mourn but their feelings are not about the loss of the person who died. They are dealing with how they are going to cope with their loss. Some could define it as being selfish. My point of view of failure is me being selfish. 

At the viewing, the great grandchildren were the strongest. Not too many tears, most of them were happy and the spent time playing up and down the halls. They saw the casket but were more interested in the pictures of my grandmother from when she was younger.  They were more interested in how each other from their generation were doing. They were just happy the family was together. I can not speak for them personally just what I observed. They all had relationships with her not as forged over time as mine and my generation's was but as you will read in the eulogy my grandmother embraces with open arms. 

As the oldest of the four grand children, I felt my responsibility was to give an eulogy. One of my closest friends just gave one for his grandmother and I just felt it was the right thing to do. I have given best man speeches before but never an eulogy. But one and the same I feel the best speeches and lessons are not lectures but stories, so the listener gets to know the person the moment the feeling. Moments that are important to the audience create and re-enforce bonds that strengthen not only the moment of the speech but help people remember it. 

I would like to share my words. So you get to know my Grandma June. I also ask you to comment on your stories about your challenges with dealing with death. I am now much more alone in this world. No grandparents on either side, or my father gone. If there is something I took from my grandmothers passing is time is short and do not waste it. 

If you knew my Grandma June, You knew a woman who loved her family, friends, her church and her lord and savior Jesus Christ. You knew a woman with a passion for quilting, sewing, baking, and knitting. She loved a good roast beef on weck, rare of course, Buffalo sports, shows at Shea’s, Christmas and Santa Clause.

As a child she would introduce me as her number one grandson, in a similar way Charlie Chan would speak of his son in the old black and white movies. Those moments when she spoke of me were the proudest. It gave me something to live up to. She would praise all of her grandchildren and great grandchildren in public even if we were not at our best.

We all had moments where we saw her love, generosity and fairness.

Tami and I would remember our “Miss Manners” training at every meal.

Grandma would make sure there was bread for the flock of ducks that would land on her front lawn for us to feed.We would be provided with the crafts of quilts, hand knitted sweaters, and handmade clothes for the girl’s dolls.

When school was coming it was not uncommon for her to take Tami, Jason and Jaime clothes and shoe shopping.

When it was necessary, they would help by assisting their son’s in laws. When the Handley’s move across country to Denver and again when they returned to Lockport, June and Don were there.  She would welcome my father Wayne, their son-in-law, to live with them for six months when he was consulting for a local firm and was unsure if he would be permanently relocating.

As my generation of grandchildren grew and we forged our own families, the gift of 9, soon to be 10, great granddaughters warmed her soul. It did not matter if the great grandkids came from birthright or forged by the merger of a second marriage. June claimed them and loved them all. So how do you know if you knew our Grandma June?

If you knew you had to tear not slice a dinner roll and butter each piece, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew how to make a potholder by the time you were eight, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew how to get 6 cinnamon waffles on an iron cookie press, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew you could leave your car and spend the night before any flight, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew that even when she was confined to a chair she would still try to control everything about a family dinner, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew your best friend, boyfriend, girlfriend was welcome at anytime at any family function, you knew Grandma June.

If you were told the event starts at 6:00 and you arrived at 5:55 and you were told “you are late!” you knew Grandma June

If you did shots of Aftershock mint on Christmas Eve, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew how to compare and contrast four different supermarket adds, create four grocery lists and have matching coupons to get the best deal and have the endurance to go to all 4 stores, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew the flavors of homemade sweet and sour pickles, fresh garden vegetables, and fresh made buttermilk ranch dressing, you knew Grandma June.

If you went grocery shopping in the basement, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew to donate blood, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew the chore she needed done around the house was not the real reason she called, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew you were expected to say “Oh My Goodness”, you knew Grandma June.

If you ever had been kicked in the shins at McPartlands because you were warned you ate to fast and you still did, you knew Grandma June.

If you knew what an open door, open home and an open heart was, you knew Grandma June.

If you ever knew the love and comfort of a quilt, you knew Grandma June.

When we lost her on Thursday, she was surrounded by her family. As we circled her, all I could think was this family was the greatest quilt she ever made. No matter the distance apart, the trials of growing up. I never loved my family more than in the moment we all came together for her.

If quilting is the craft of making something from scraps into something beautiful, she did her best to create something beautiful when crafting her family. April 18, 2014Sean B. GilgoreNumber One Grandson. 

Focus on your strengths and make them stronger every day.

TA4MC Focus on your strengths and 

make them stronger every day. 

The theme of the day was parental influence

I am listening to the audio book by Zappo’s CEO Tony Hsieh called Delivering Happiness. I am only about thirty minutes in and he has discussed his childhood where in the Asian Culture the stress is on academia, musical performance and community service.  His parents wanted what they thought was best for him: Acceptance into Harvard, a medical degree and to be able to play multiple instruments.

I found these parents forcing dreams or expectations the theme of the day. Before going to work I was exposed to the ABC Family movie Ice Princess. It is a story of two girls who were forced to live the dreams of their respective mothers. The smart girl who was directed to be a Harvard Grad, wanted to be a figure skater and the other girl who was the daughter of an Olympic hopeful and forced to be a figure skater, just wanted to be normal and go to college. So drama ensues and the girls switch

.

Today at work, I saw a girl in tears because she wanted a certain pair of glasses that her parents and grandparents kept telling her were “too old for her”. She was overwhelmed and broke down into tears because the frame they wanted her to have was too small and did not look attractive on her. The grandfather ended up buying both to settle the squabble between the mother and daughter.  As a salesperson it was good for my commission but as a parent, it left a sour taste in my mouth. Why would we force things on our children that they do not like or they do not have a passion for?

Growing up my parents wanted me to go to college. Round peg, square hole but I still went. I tried becoming what I thought was my dream of being a musician and went to a tech school for musicians where I have a certificate of performance from now a defunct school. I have an Associate’s degree, in Communications and Media Design. A Bachelor’s degree in Business Management,  and 32 credits that along with 8 weeks of student teaching gave me a State of Nevada teaching license. It also created an amount of student loan debt than I care to talk about. But none of my education has leaded me to achieve true heartfelt goals and that is very frustrating.

Wisdom comes with age and the more I look back I really get concerned as a parent how do I avoid making those mistakes. How as a parent can I discover my child’s strengths so that I can help them blossom and how can I minimize her weakness so they are not a hindrance in her development.  Is forcing a child to practice, study and master topics or skills they have no passion for really what is best for them?

Tonight I got a quote on my g+ account by Deepak Chopra “If a child is poor in math but good at tennis, most people would hire a math tutor. I would rather hire a tennis coach”. I hope I have the ability to see my child’s strengths and do everything to forge them like a master blacksmith than to dull her blade with skills she has no passion, talent or need for. 

TA4MC The hardest part of any creative project is beginning and ending everything in the middle is usually fun.

I love my Mint Chocolate chip ice cream with peanut butter and hot fudge topping. 

Be Creative and Consistent 

For all my life I have been a creative. As a child I made inventions. My first one was an automatic ice cream system. It had cones on a conveyor belt and tubes of ice cream that dispensed scoops to order. As the customer ordered, the cone dropped into a hole on a conveyor belt and then the selected scoops of ice-cream would fall into the cone. The desert would then arrive for the consumer at the end of the belt. I was always a mint chocolate chip guy myself but I knew that I had to have chocolate, vanilla and strawberry if I was going to sell it. I can say I got the bug for inventing because my father was an inventor and when I did something he liked, he let me know but more importantly he let other adults know. It was that praise that made me want to create more

As I got older, I found two passions, martial arts and music. With martial arts, the alphabet is conditioning. The infinite number of punches, hand strikes, kicks, throws, locks, chokes, movements, and blocks is the alphabet, grammar and sentences structure of martial arts.  The art comes in how you combine these elements into techniques that allow you to defend yourself or defeat and assailant. Training the body also trains the mind. To me this was the greatest benefit as the ability to focus and meditate while in motion and removed weakness from my body and built my confidence.

Where martial arts gave me an outlet for anger and creativity, music and writing lyrics gave me a way to express my soul and in some cases my deepest thoughts that I could not express. Maybe I was too shy or didn't trust sharing the emotions in a direct sentence. Putting words and ideas down on paper that expressed what I was thinking about let me express myself without worrying about what my concern is now, writing both with emotion and following the standards of grammar that make me come across educated

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I have other inspirations. In the past I have written books, created board and card games and role-playing games. Each has an element of creativity. As a teacher of Marital Arts the creativity of a class was to keep the classes interesting while hitting core elements of technique. When I taught how to play guitar, I had to be creative with how I presented the information and techniques so students felt progress. As a fourth grade teacher, I had to keep the kids interested in what was in some cases very dry material.

Now as I have committed to both a bi-weekly blog and hopefully a podcast in the near future I am transitioning from the person who does this just for fun to the professional who wants to be taken somewhat seriously.  The work has to be done. Even if it feels like walking through three feet of snow, if you commit to finishing, your word is the only thing holding you accountable. The world can read my blog. If I say, “I am going to write twice a week.” Do it. It may not be your best work every time but it is consistent and honest it will show. This commitment is how in the long run you will earn the respect of our followers.